A humbling look into Passive – Aggression vs. Aggression, Rage, and the way out.
It turns out I am not yet ready for saint-hood ;). Over the past winter to spring months, I have experienced a quarantine of my Ego for the subject of my Rage and my involvement in other people’s rage.
A few weeks ago, everything peaked. I had a ridiculous fight, got hurt, and then spent the weekend and next week in spiritual jail licking my wounds – struggling to see how I cause all of this to myself!
When I find myself accused, I go straight in the self-punishing hot-seat. Whatever has ever been done to me by others, I have done worse to myself on the inside.
Self – Punishment – the results of regressing to my first lessons in Rage.
The jail, is a place that feels very real to me, a dry desolate desert with no one around. Inside is a very young girl, she stretches herself taller to look at her bottom in the mirror, so many red hand welts across it. I can’t stop looking at my tears, my red face and shocked blue eyes, then back to the welts because the pain resides and reminds me of one basic thing – this hurts.
Conclusion being: I am bad, I am evil, no good, useless, how did this happen?
It finally occurred to me, that all the little excuses I make for why people around me occasionally ‘loose the plot’, might have something to do with me after-all. Naturally, I have assumed it had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with them – saying sorry for everything and anything like a mantra!
To be honest as a Parisian about this, I never until now allowed myself to observe rage, and not enter rage or it’s friend pain. I might be apart of someone else’s crazed, over dramatised, raging reaction in a cognitive way. I am saying that I can never be the sole cause, neither can you, but rage fits are sacred contracts between all people involved. To be seen as a reaction to a deep and inconceivable pain. A symbol of one’s deep discomfort and lack of safety in their life or self. Therefore, it makes it a little unnecessary to judge rage, when really that person is in a very painful, fearful place. Rage then, should be seen as a deep need to protect something precious. Helping a person through a rage fit, then, would be distancing yourself appropriately – avoiding the need to protect yourself, and being there through the fit to find the gold that is so afraid to come forth.
I used to receive all the rage from someone, and allow it to ravage my insides and cause a deep internal self-reflective process. So that, there can be a turning point for me and that person, so I can learn how to treat them better. Ultimately, the first 3\4 of my life has been about the outside world, and how to get along better with people. The last 1\4 has been about how I need to teach others, how to treat me, and how other’s have to deal with me as well.
What I am saying, is that if someone is loosing it, chances are I, or you, participated. During my spiritual jail time, as I guess is the case in reality too, I learned a lot. Hopefully, you may find something in this article for yourself as well.
Last Thursday, The Big Bang Theory was on TV, I was giggling watching Sheldon uncomfortably learn about how annoying he actually is, as I was busy doing some act of kindness and feeling good about myself. Sheldon never shows rage, but he annoys the hell out of people via a sort of erupting superior honesty, which is channeled as passive-aggressive rage if you look at the energy field. Uh oh, is this a mirror moment??? I thought.
When you can see what I can see, feel what I can feel, and have studied what I have studied- I can, perhaps, maybe, a little bit, come off as something similar. Oops-
The next morning I had to deal with some legal issues for exporting my artwork, which slowly started causing me anxiety since I was faced with a wall of Greek words and Greek paperwork which began to frustrate me. I felt totally screwed and had a rage leak of my own, HOWEVER my actions were reflected back to me.
How freaking annoying! And freaking useful!
I knew I could get angry, even get to a flaming hysteria once in a while. But what I didn’t know was that there’s a fire breathing dragon inside of me. My way has by default been a passive – aggressive path through life. Early interest in being only nice to people, coupled with tough love parenting and little allowance for whining helped form this path. “If you don’t stop, I will stop you.” says the parent to a child’s rage.
The child has two options, stand up and fight, or repress. Be aggressive, or be passive-aggressive. Passive-Aggression is the same as Aggression in that both people have lost themselves to their wounding. My chaotic raging energy field is just as impactful if not more impactful than a holy healing session because my field is already expanded as it is, let alone when it’s filled with Dragon Fire.
Both choices, suck.
Here’s the pattern:
My display of my dislikes, and discomforts are done subtly, especially when it really matters. My subtle passive-aggression method, is done in such a way that makes others really struggle to pin point what I have done to make them so furious, and then appear so crazy, or enraged! My actions are held when I am angry, my mouth roped in, so as not to say things I don’t mean, and get myself on the wrong end of a slap. Or worse, get my feelings hurt! Then the beliefs set in, “They are always hurt… errr, poor me. I am so good, I try so hard, and now this! He is abusing me, she is crazy, this person is toxic!” My mind is a Jerry Springer show, or worse, with the most ridiculous evil thoughts. I can have the person I love most in the world in front of me – get hurt, get angry, get all wrapped up in the land of defense, and seriously feel hatred, with thoughts of aggression, a look which says it all, an energy body which is chaotic, volatile, superior, and really, really stressed out. While underneath, is the little girl, confused, and doesn’t know howto be any different.
(To show my EGO self a little compassion at this point – the feelings I am experiencing are real. The wounding is real, true rage, a rage which is old and granted ill placed, has come up for liberation. “I have a fucking lot of reasons to have rage, by the way, just because I hold it in to poison myself, instead of you! I am overall attempting to live from kindness and compassion but don’t remove me from life, and the human race, and getting some compassion!” – squeals my Ego!)
If I follow my rage, I will get you to give me sympathy, I will find some distant event and make you suffer for ever thinking that I do not deserve my rage. You will eventually have to apologize, for hurting me so deeply. Well, that was the past. Now I know, concretely, that nobody can hurt me accept me.
Sympathy, is giving somebody an excuse for behaving cruelly, that is care-taking not love.
I don’t like sympathy, sympathy is believing that a person has limitations to wellness. To find true sympathy, the word has to change into compassion. One must be honest, something rage blind spots prevent. Being honest means going to Ego jail, soul searching, feeling all the horrible embarrassment of your own actions, and then your awareness, humility and heartfelt wish to become more than this can lead to the gold in the dragon cave — awareness and comfort no matter what.
Let’s look at the dragon at the gate of the inner treasure killing anything that comes close:
Back to my Rage show with the Greek paperwork and my blow out rage fit – There’s little to do now, except take shelter because the volcano is blowing, my little fearful self pops up and shouts, “uh oh! you must survive!”. Ay yi yi. This is the point where I should be filming, because DAMN I can make a Penelope Cruz tantrum look tame. Once fear has finally surfaced, helped by the person I have just thoroughly pissed off (usually aggressive types are who I attract to go into rage with). To fight with an aggressive type, as a passive-aggressive is a little like being the clown in the Rodeo pen, irritating a bull.
The clown looks harmless to you and me, but to the bull he is really provocative. Making fun of a bull, taunting, or poking, is a sure fire way to allow yourself to fight. Remember, passive-aggression will require you to get relief by the other person’s Rage. Then the real kicker – the friction, whatever is now erupting in the other person is about to be revealed. Here’s where passive-aggressive’s loose the chance to learn, because victim-hood will too quickly replace awareness.
- I have discharged all my rage, sneakily, onto the other. I don’t do it because I am bad, or evil, just unconscious of my actions. My irritable inability to say what I mean, do what I want to do, or behave according to my needs starts to set off the other person. It isn’t even necessary to be totally angry, if I am able to see what’s going on and get my needs met. The 3rd Chakra, under stress, causes a shut down to my heart and my lower 2nd chakra making me unavailable to the person I am in need of, and myself. The closing down of the front chakras is – to experience the beginning of death. The need to survive, will over-ride the system, and this is when filming should commence because something interesting is about to happen. 🙂 ( I am just joking, no I am not joking, but passive-aggressives always take back what has been said, another trigger of rage for an aggressive type)
- What about the Aggressive? The ones who really can lose their shit, break the room apart, bust doors down, throw things, grab and shake (you know when someone literally grabs and shakes someone else), shouts louder than you, threatens physical violence, over powers, abusive name calling, and overall terrorizing.
- Aggressive types, have a distinct advantage about their Rage. They know about it. An aggressive type, bless their souls, are doing all in their power not to hurt you, and to love you. They have been blamed, and shamed all their lives for their tempers and actions, shunned by the ones they love. Abandoned by the same people who are supposed to be their for them in their crisis. The Aggressive are people of action, while many of us sit idle, an aggressive type will be the first to stand up, make an effort, take a leadership role – which in many cases this same person will be both hero and oppressor to the idle crowd.
- Every single passive-aggressive out there has heaps of judgements for aggressive characters… ohhhhhh my. The shame and the blame that the aggressive walk around with is absolutely painful. Everyone, always, trying to behave them, rather than help them.
Don’t deny it, it’s of no use. (You know when you throw a party, for some reason things go wrong, chaos starts to kick in, panic, and then you start doing really weird things like throwing the shit you didn’t get done under the table, hiding things in the closet, holding the evidence of your imperfection behind your back while greeting the first guests –Now you can join me in my position, this all starts to be pretty hilarious because I am no longer afraid. Seeing the behaviour, without attaching is actually very enlivening. Allowing somebody to rage, and be there with them, through to the grief, is a true act of love. Please understand that this is a highly advanced skill and you should seek proffessional help, and healing to reach such a place. )
Passive – Aggressive people, live by the unconscious rule, that I cannot be myself and be liked.
I had, and hope to stop having, judgments about Aggressive types. A lot of shaming, and blaming even if it’s only in my head through the most of my life. My passive-aggression has gone unchecked through the majority of my life because of how allusive it was, and it became an intellectualized state of superiority.
Once, in healing school, I was told off about this, asked to go into my ‘Killer’, I truly didn’t find it, and didn’t know it was there. I even liked it, that I couldn’t find it. I was told I might not graduate if I didn’t, well it’s taken a lot to say the least to allow rage out without editing it, or editing myself. Owning it fully, and allowing myself to be like human.
You see, I thought, I am not human as the rest, I have no evil in me. It’s much easier, to be an ordinary human, and celebrate a clean conscience.
In closing, whether you are passive, or bold in your aggressive ways, send yourself to spiritual jail once in a while, get a healer or therapist to help iron out the folds and reveal your blind spots. Consider taking responsibility for the events that are happening, around and to you, or by you. Then, start to imagine another way of dealing with others, and dealing with yourself.
Rage, is a powerful current of energy – underneath will be grief, and underneath that will be a soft and tender way of beingness that has earned the right to exist.
Here in Greece we are about to celebrate Orthdox Easter, the death and rebirth. If you wish, let it be you who dies with Christ, and is reborn on Sunday in the light of honesty, and compassion.
Gotta go to a happy dinner now, goodnight! And see you next Thursday! Consider making a donation, I am grateful to your help in providing this weekly content!
Copyright Beva Sewell